Luis

In trying to think of a good title for this blog entry, I thought of many descriptions and phrases that would help to paint a picture of this little boy, but ultimately I decided that there's no way to capture what "Luis" really means to me. Luis is 3 years old. He was best buddies with Carlos, Santiago and Percy, our three little guys that were adopted out in February. Now he's the lone ranger at preschool and he's just not ready to play with the big boys in his room (6-10 year olds). In the past month and a half he's spent a lot of time playing on his own, in the world of his active imagination. The loss of his friends has slowly taken a toll on him and in the past two weeks or so we've seen the depths of Luis' broken heart. It's been heartbreaking for me to watch, but the blessing in the pain has been watching Luis' heart emerge in a way we may never have otherwise seen. Without the other three little boys running around, I've had more playtime and conversation time with Luis than I ever had before. I've had time to learn more about the way Luis thinks, what makes him hug and not let go, why he usually cries for a bit every morning after he wakes up, what brings out his sweet belly laugh that I love, etc. And as I've learned those things, I've just fallen in love with this complex little boy.

Yesterday Luis had a meltdown moment when he got home from preschool. I looked out the window and saw his limp body strung between the two girls that were trying to bring him in for lunch. He had a toothache and a strong resistance to anyone trying to get him to put anything in his mouth. He was throwing a tantrum, which summons a trip to our office for a conversation. As I sat Luis in a chair in the office, just one glance into his eyes revealed that he was moving from tantrum to meltdown. Tears filled his eyes and he began to wail. My strategies for handling tantrums and promoting learning moments were thrown out the window and I scooped him up into my arms and began to rock him back and forth. I usually don't even have a chance at understanding the kids' Spanish when they're crying, so I pretty much tuned out the sobs and just rocked away. I was thinking about little Luis and all the reasons behind his tears when I suddenly realized what Luis was crying out. "Mama, mama, mama....Mama, mama, mama..." And then Luis wasn't the only one crying. Who is he thinking of when he's calling out Mama? Does he remember his own mother that left him when he was just one and half years old? Is he longing for a new mama like Percy, Santiago and Carlos got? Is he calling me his Mama? I have no idea where his delirious words were coming from. There's a lot more to understand about Luis, his happiness and his sadness. Most likely I'll never know nor understand the depth of what his little 3 year old heart is feeling, but that moment of rocking is enough understanding for me for now.